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Counseling Services

Helping a Friend or Family Member

Signs of Distress

Look for and beware of any of the following signs of distress:

Inability to concentrate, confusion, indecisiveness.
Persistent worrying.
Social isolation, depression.
Increased irritability, restlessness.
Bizarre or dangerous behavior, mood swings.
Missed class/ assignments, procrastination.
Messy appearance.
Sleeping too much or too little.
Excessive alcohol or drug use

Your Response

Involve yourself only as far as you are willing to go.
At times, in an attempt to reach or help a troubled friend, you may become more involved than time or skill permits. If you decide to take action, following are some guidelines for approaching your friend.

Talk to him or her in private. This could help reduce embarrassment and defensiveness.
Openly acknowledge that you are aware of their distress. If they do not think they are distressed but you see signs of distress, tell them what you have observed.
Speak directly and honestly and acknowledge you are sincerely concerned about their welfare and are willing to help them explore their alternatives.
Strange or inappropriate behavior should not be ignored. Comment directly on what you have observed.
Listen carefully to what your friend is troubled about and try to see the issue from his/her point of view without necessarily agreeing or disagreeing.
Attempt to succinctly identify the problem or concern and explore alternatives to deal with the problem.
Refer to Counseling Services or outside professional help when appropriate. Inform them that seeing the counselor does not mean they have some mental disorder . The counselor can help them identify what’s causing the problem and figure out ways to cope and get back on track.

Consultation with a Counselor:
If you are unsure of how to handle a situation with a friend or family member , we encourage you to consult with Counseling Services at 635-2752 or speak with an RA or CA if living on campus.

Educate Yourself: Become Informed
It also helps if you become informed about the nature of the problem(s) your friend is confronting and the resources available to help them. Some resources available to you can be found on ur On-Line Resources (make link) page.

Common Problems:
Counseling Services has experience in assisting with variety of issues and concerns. Some common reasons college students seek counseling are:

Feeling anxious or depressed
Relationship issues
Family problems
Concerns about academic performance
Feeling isolated and lonely
Lack of confidence and self-esteem
Test anxiety
Sexual concerns
Alcohol and substance use and abuse
General stress

Confronting a Friend
Confronting someone means that you have the courage to let your friend know what you have seen and heard, that you are concerned about them, and that you are willing to help. Confronting should not include judging or attacking the person, nor should it be an effort to force the person to take action. Listed below are some practical tips on confronting a friend.

Be Honest and Specific:
Explain why you want to have a serious talk and what you hope will happen...(and what you hope doesn't happen).

Example: " I am really worried about your drinking and I hope you won't just blow me off or think I am putting you down...I don't want to wreck our friendship..."

Describe Your Observations:
It is important that you describe your observations in a non-judgmental way and express concern in your observations.

Example: "Since last Friday night you have come back to our room really drunk four times, twice you said you drove home drunk and last night you threw up all over our floor..."

Express Your Feelings:
Example: "I am really worried about you...I am scared to talk to you in a serious way because I think you don't believe you have a problem...and bringing it up might just piss you off..."

Offer Your Recommendations:
Example: "I really wish you would go talk to someone about your drinking...see if you do have a problem. You could either talk with the someone at the HealthCare Center or the counselor… whoever you would be most comfortable with... I'll go with you... The services are free and they are on campus."

Listen Actively to What Your Friend Says:
To listen "actively" does not require that you necessarily agree or disagree with your friend. The important part is that you accurately hear what your friend is saying so he or she feels heard and understood. One way to communicate that you are listening and understand is to paraphrase what your friend says from their point of view and to then to restate your observations and recommendations.

Information for Helping a Friend or Family Member adapted with permission form Aurora University.