Unicorn Hunting Regulations
Adapted from the original bylaws, history, lore, myths, and whimsy by Mike Gendzwill.
The Department of Natural Unicorns (DNU) of the Unicorn Hunters at Lake Superior State University enforces the following edicts:
- QUESTING TERRITORIES
- Enchanted forests
- Outer space
- QUESTING SEASON
- All days of the year except Valentine’s Day. No unicorn pursuit allowed during the 24 consecutive hours of love.
- Bow-and-arrow season runs the first week of October. Rubber-tipped arrows only.
- QUESTING HOURS. Day or night except when the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus is around. There’s only so much magic available at one time.
- BAG LIMITS
- One unicorn per month. A success ratio higher than this often results in a form of euphoria, which sometimes requires a mental truss, which is also rare to come by.
- Female unicorns cannot be taken. Since no one has ever sighted a female unicorn, it is believed that males reproduce asexually.
- BANDED UNICORNS. The DNU may have banded some unicorns to indicate age and aesthetics. Upon taking a banded unicorn, questers must send the band to us.
- QUESTING KIT. We recommend that unicorn questers bring the following supplies:
- Serious intent
- General levity
- Sweet talk
- Refreshing beverages: flask of cognac for adults, juice box for children, bottle of medieval potion for unicorns
- Curry comb
- Pinking shears
- Nail clipper (with file)
- Hoof and horn trimmer
- Hoof and horn polish
- Arthurian legend books and/or works by Chaucer
- Iambic pentameter (optional)
- A NOTE FOR GROWN-UPS ONLY (NO KIDS ALLOWED!) ABOUT UNICORN BAIT. The only legal unicorn bait is a virgin. While not illegal to use simulated virgins, such practice is definitely not cricket, as any student of Arthurian legend knows.
- QUESTING UNIFORMS. Garb must be tailored individually. We recommend the colors Mordred red or Gawain green, depending on whether you’re chasing the unicorn or vice versa. Then again, we’re partial to purple—and, come to think of it, all colors.
- We also consider this activity a privilege and an honor. In the event that unicorn herds diminish to numbers smaller than five per square dream, a drawing will be held to determine license holders.
- EQUAL OPPORTUNITY. Anyone and everyone prepared to join the quest will be issued a unicorn license so long as potential members:
- Follow the above
- Pay no dues
- Attend no meetings
- Are nice to people and unicorns alike
- Understand that in 1977, due to public concern over then-dwindling unicorn herds, we changed the word “hunt” to “quest” on the license while retaining the original title of the organization because we thought that was fair
- Travel back in time to 1971 to thank the DNU creators: Bill Rabe, director of public relations, and English professors Peter Thomas, John McCabe, and John Stevens. Among many other efforts from the 1970s to garner more publicity for LSSU: hosting a Snowman Burning on the first day of spring to bid goodbye to winter (1971) and compiling at the end of the year a tongue-in-cheek Banished Words List as a safeguard against misuse, overuse, and uselessness of the English language (1976)—annual traditions still practiced today—and publishing a campus literary quarterly, The Woods-Runner.
- And, most importantly, upon receipt of membership into this special club, send us a color photo of the unicorn quester displaying the hallowed permit.
- The following are optional:
- Wearing wonderful unicorn-hunting gear
- Riding, feeding, grooming, or hugging unicorn friends
- Providing tips on how to hunt unicorns
- Revealing details of unicorn sightings
- Regaling us with stories of unicorn hunting adventures
- When forwarding your message, please indicate if we have permission to share such photos and related material across LSSU social media and other platforms. If you prefer that we don’t, we promise that we will not. (For instance, we understand why adults would want to protect the privacy of children.) We do still ask for at least the photo for LSSU to keep in its internal archives.
- The following are optional:
Department of Natural Unicorns
Lake Superior State University
c/o Marketing & Communications
650 W. Easterday Ave.
Sault Ste. Marie, MI 49783
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